heyyy :3 don't expect anything coherent here this is just me rambling. ty for reading ^^

Today's the first day of me entrying something worthwhile even though it's going to be a pretty short entry i think i should log it in because it marks the first day of me trying to stick to a schedule and working on things im interested in. I have created a guide on obsidian for myself containing the time constraints for each topic every day and the topics im supposed to focus on.

Apart from studying i have to focus on kovaak's and get a high rank in the voltaic benchmarks and try not to zone out and stare at my computer screen switching between sites doing nothing of substance (yes i actually do this this is not an exaggeration). I hope i will be able to break habits and focus on things that actually make me happy. I'm pretty sure im an undiagnosed autist but i could be wrong and im not getting a diagnosis anytime soon so i should try to avoid self-diagnosing as much as i can. Apart from me being insanely lazy (it's MDD levels of laziness) im pretty sure there's some underlying condition that im not aware of.

Anywayyyy most of my focus is me dealing with physics and mathematics. I'm self studying as im a neet and i really want to get good at something and not waste time on random bs that isn't giving me any satisfaction and is just escapism and an excuse to me being really lazy.

READING IS HARD. In the previous entry of this blog i talked about the guide i wrote for myself to follow which includes all the stuff im supposed to focus on and study. I haven't read a book properly in so long (except for the book my friend recommended me but i was reading like 5-7 pages a day for that so it doesn't count) and it genuinely feels like the most exhausting thing ever to read 10 pages or more. I'm supposed to get a doctor's appointment soon for my adhd diagnosis and figure out how to fix my abilities to focus. Amphetamines are illegal where i live so i will have to stick with methylphenidate which isn't the worst thing in the world but im pretty sure that amphetamines will be better for me as they increase the dopamine in your system instead of being a reuptake blocker like methylphenidate because im also very much depressed and i just don't think having a reuptake blocker is going to as good as amphetamines but i guess it's better than nothing (Side note: im not a doctor i could be totally wrong about this.)

Back to talking about how hard it is to read. I'm trying to finish the feynman lectures (and a few other physics related books/lecutues/courses) and read a book before going to bed and im not sure how successful im going to be at these tasks while having no medication. I have no idea what changed since i entered my teens but reading used to be so much easier when i was a kid but now it's most physically exhausting thing ever.

I do think it will be very funny if it turns out that i don't have adhd and im just retarded but im very veryyyy sure that i have adhd and i will be very surprised if my health reports say otherwise.

silly thought of the day: i need to buy stuff to decorate my room it looks really depressing.

The last entry of my blog discussed me poorly self diagnosing myself with adhd but i've come to the conclusion that in fact i don't have adhd and there's a 3rd secret thing that's in the way of me being able to focus on stuff im interested in. I'm not sure what my condition is but i think i don't have adhd because at least people with adhd have one thing they can focus on once in a while. I HAVE NOTHING (i have things im interested in but i can't get myself to sit down and focus on them) im probably very depressed im awfully prone to that. I still am going to go for a formal diagnosis for adhd but i've become very accustomed to doing nothing all day during the 5 months i was a borderline MDD mess due to things going on in my personal life and i think that's the reason why im still not able to focus on anything as im so used to being a useless pos who does nothing all day. Doing nothing all day is genuinely horrible and it makes me want to kill myself even more it's self fulfilling cycle.

I think im in a better position mentally now compared to few months ago and i hope it only gets better from here. Nothing brings me joy (except for that one thing but it's a person not a personal interest of mine and i think if another person whom i love is the only thing that can make me happy that's probably not healthy) and i think that has more to do with me being depressed rather than having adhd. I'm sure i can make a case for still having adhd as i have awful time blindness and sometimes i even forget to sleep as im too distracted/focused on random stuff to keep track of time (it's 2am rn hahahhaha). I'm also awfully late on all things i've been committed to (assignments, household chores and just stuff im supposed to do but im not interested in) and i only do them when the deadline is insanely close. I started hrt few months ago and it's been great except im too lazy to refill my pills sometimes and i miss like 3 days of taking my estrogen very often. HRT is nice and all but in the moment i don't see any immediate effect which leads me to not being motivated enough to go outside and buy the pills. It's only when i get insanely insecure (or if im having an exceptionally good day) that i finally decide that i need to buy my pills no matter what.

I'm also pretty good at remembering stuff and am able to usually remember things people have told me and get those things done (regardless of how low effort they are). But i also think this is usually only the case when i actually care about the other person enough to actually do the task (listening to music friends recommend me for example). Alot of times i just forget to reply if it's a new friend i have made that i don't care about much or if they tell me something important there's a good chance i will forget because i got caught up in something else (9/10 times i get the the task done if they just remind me again). I don't think adhd works that way ???? it's not selective you know what i mean ? Maybe im just an asshole for not caring enough to remember idk.

I started learning music seriously again and it's sooooooooooo fun. i love music theory so much it's insane how much you can do with a few chords. I learned about the pentatonic scale today and "the modes", Ionian, Dorian, Phrygian, Lyndian, Mixolydian, Aeolian, and Locarian.

It's insane how easily you can go from a bright sound to a darker one while keeping the melody exactly the same. I'm still new to music theory but stuff like this is so interesting. I have only ever played two instruments and they are the piano and the violin. I gave up on the violin years ago (it's sitting behind me rn) but im still playing the piano and i have started taking it seriously again because i reallyyyyy love the instrument and it's been a huge part of my life since childhood. I remember playing my mom's piano all the time and it was so fun learning it. Other than my mom having a piano i also picked it up because of lilypichu and bo burnham and they are still the reason why i continue to play the instrument.

The pentatonic scale is the coolest thing i've learned so far and i hope i become skilled enough to actually play the whole scale proficiently.

the C# mi penta is probably my fav of them all.

silly thought of the day : i forgot how to read sheet music again and this is how im writing my notes for now (it's last cup of coffee by lilypichu) :P

haiii im a bit late i knowww but i was caught up in a lot of things. This year has started pretty well for me its been a while since i've been this happy :3 I've been studying a lot more and been overall a lot less lazy. I still have problems focusing but i think that's something i will have to live with now but even that isn't something that's holding me back because im not as depressed anymore. Last year wasn't as bad as 2024 but it still wasn't ideal and im hoping this year would be purrfect and i will be able to go back to uni and do well (i know i will do well im already ahead of all first year students because i had two gap years).

I met someone very important to me during the end of last year im hoping i continue to be with them this year and the year after and the year after that and and..,,... As i mentioned before i haven't been this happy in so long and im glad i know now that it gets better. I HOPE EVERYTHING WILL BE PURRFECT FROM NOW ON.

I've been watching a lot of anime and shows with my better half and it's been a lot of fun (we are almost done rewatching breaking bad). I hope we watch as many movies and shows as humanly possible. I love listening to albums with her and how easily she takes my recommendations without hesitating even a bit.

here are my end of year charts:

my top albums of this year (the last two were really disappointing)

last.fm report/playback

silly thought of the day: happy new years !!! i hope everything goes well for whoever is reading this too

Before i speak on this topic i want the reader to know that im probably better off than most people as i have a siswife that luvs me a lot. Everything in this blog is about when she isnt around. I dont have any close friends that i can message whenever i want and with whom i feel comfortable conversing whenever i need to. The people who i know and are in my discord friends list are just that, "people i know" they are nothing more than that. I'm always awfully worried about messaging people because im so sure that they have a better social life than me and if i contact them theres a good chance that we will only have small talk as they are probably already busy with their friends that they have known longer than me.

I'm done complaining about how bad i have it for now because the truth is i dont have it bad at all im just too much of a coward to put effort in and im awfully irritable and that stops me from making friends. I never really developed the ability to make friends. I've had people that i felt like i could've been good friends with throughout my life but one way or other they would drift apart (usually because they would start replying back less and less. There was this one time where a person literally flipped on me and stopped talking to me just because i was trans). I'm not very good at talking to people and im very much aware of that and i dislike complaining about being lonely for this exact reason. I'm insanely picky when it comes to who i want to be friends with and when i do find someone that i think is cool they already have a group of friends they already interact with on a daily basis. I know no one is waking up and thinking about talking to me (except u know who but everything discussed here is outside of them) and im not even sure if thats normal and maybe im the only one who gets all excited when they start talking to someone new and look forward to doing whatever i did with them last time. Most of the time it turns out they are already busy and i feel awful for even asking. I think i've become a lot more pessimistic about everything and im sure thats being a hurdle in the way of me wanting to make friends.

I recently stopped interacting with the one friend group i had for reasons i cant discuss here because theres a chance they will read it but trust me it was a valid reason. Since then i havent really had any friends that i can talk to and message whenever i want and be already familiar with them. I miss when u could just join a discord server and u would make a bunch of friends. All of my problems come down to me being very irritable and picky and i hope i can stop someday. Maybe it will get better when i start uni but im not too sure about that as normal people irl usually suck and yes i know i sound very soy and annoying and it might seem like i like being miserable but trust me thats not the case. My reasons for believing that people irls suck is because i live in a shithole and i refuse to believe i can be open to people here about who i am as a person. I have to always hide a huge part of me as i dont want be part of a hate crime.

I'm hoping it will get better for me and i can have a good number of friends that i feel comfy around and they feel the same and want to talk to me everyday. I'm aware that friendships like this arent formed overnight and it takes years to get familiar with a person. My entire point is that i dont even have a starting point where a friend talks to me regularly. Most people i talk to (very rare) usually end up having small talk with me and it doesnt go anywhere. I dont think any of the people i talk to are bad people or think that they are just boring. I dont think they are boring at all im aware most likely they already have friends they are already familiar with and cant be bothered to talk to me about whatever.

I dont want to act like i've been in the right in all these cases im sure i've come off as not interested and been dismissive at times (if u are someone who has felt this way im really sorry i've never done it on purpose contact me !! we can talk again !!) but what i also i know is i've put in a good amount of effort in trying to talk to people i think are fun or interesting. My rule of thumb is that if another person and I have planned something im only going to ask them 3-4 times about if they wanna do the thingy before i give up and realize that they are not interested. I'm not sure how to tell people that i dont have anything better to do and i want them to annoy me and that its okay if they message me whenever they feel like. I KNOW I CANT JUST SAY THAT TO ANOTHER PERSON IT COMES OFF AS DESPERATE AND PATHETIC.

I'm being very selfish when i ask for the concept of wanting a friend because why would anyone want to put in effort into another person whos socially inept and can barely talk in vc. Again its funny because i can only get good at this if i actually practice it and i literally cant because i dont have any friends.

A HUGE portion of my ineptitude comes from the time i completely isolated myself sometime during late 2021 - mid 2022. I had a huge paranoid scare and i wiped all of my stuff from the internet and permanently switched to linux and made sure i never use the clearnet and didnt have any google accounts logged in on my pc. I didnt use discord or any other digital community platforms (except for matrix / element but who the fuck uses that to make friends). I think this was a very important period of my development as a teen who was already very socially anxious and now very isolated. I always wonder how different i would be as a person if i never went away from the communities i was already a part of. I'm not sure how to end this i think this is a cry for help (this is a joke please dont try to look out for me).

🎶 Listen: goldfish - Jane Remover