silly blog

1st entry - 2025-09-26

there are knives in my coffee. goodbye mrrp :3

silly thought of the day: i still haven't figured out how to make the buttons on my website work :P

Work - 2025-10-01

Today's the first day of me entrying something worthwhile even though it's going to be a pretty short entry i think i should log it in because it marks the first day of me trying to stick to a schedule and working on things im interested in. I have created a guide on obsidian for myself containing the time constraints for each topic every day and the topics im supposed to focus on.

Apart from studying i have to focus on kovaak's and get a high rank on the voltaic benchmarks and try not to zone out and stare at my computer screen switching between sites doing nothing of substance (yes i actually do this this is not an exaggeration). I hope i will be able to break habits and focus on things that actually make me happy. I'm pretty sure im an undiagnosed autist but i could be wrong and im not getting a diagnosis anytime soon so i should try to avoid self-diagnosing as much as i can. Apart from me being insanely lazy (it's MDD levels of laziness) im pretty sure there's some underlying condition that im not aware of.

Anywayyyy most of my focus is me dealing with physics and mathematics. I'm self studying as im a neet and i really want to get good at something and not waste time on random bs that isn't giving me any satisfaction and is just escapism and an excuse to me being really lazy.

ADHD and being inattentive - 2025-10-06

READING IS HARD. In the previous entry of this blog i talked about the guide i wrote for myself to follow which includes all the stuff im supposed to focus on and study. I haven't read a book properly in so long (except for the book my friend recommended me but i was reading like 5-7 pages a day for that so it doesn't count) and it genuinely feels like the most exhausting thing ever to read 10 pages or more. I'm supposed to get a doctor's appointment soon for my adhd diagnosis and figure out how to fix my abilities to focus. Amphetamines are illegal where i live so i will have to stick with methylphenidate which isn't the worst thing in the world but im pretty sure that amphetamines will be better for me as they increase the dopamine in your system instead of being a reuptake blocker like methylphenidate because im also very much depressed and i just don't think having a reuptake blocker is going to as good as amphetamines but i guess it's better than nothing (Side note: im not a doctor i could be totally wrong about this.)

Back to talking about how hard it is to read. I'm trying to finish the feynman lectures (and a few other physics related books/lecutues/courses) and read a book before going to bed and im not sure how successful im going to be at these tasks while having no medication. I have no idea what changed since i entered my teens but reading used to be so much easier when i was a kid but now it's most physically exhausting thing ever.

I do think it will be very funny if it turns out that i don't have adhd and im just retarded but im very veryyyy sure that i have adhd and i will be very surprised if my health reports say otherwise.

silly thought of the day: i need to buy stuff to decorate my room it looks really depressing.