silly blog

heyyy :3 don't expect anything coherent here this is just me rambling. ty for reading ^^

there are knives in my coffee. goodbye mrrp :3

silly thought of the day: i still haven't figured out how to make the buttons on my website work :P

Today's the first day of me entrying something worthwhile...

Apart from studying i have to focus on kovaak's and get a high rank...

READING IS HARD. In the previous entry of this blog i talked about the guide i wrote for myself to follow which includes all the stuff im supposed to focus on and study. I haven't read a book properly in so long (except for the book my friend recommended me but i was reading like 5-7 pages a day for that so it doesn't count) and it genuinely feels like the most exhausting thing ever to read 10 pages or more. I'm supposed to get a doctor's appointment soon for my adhd diagnosis and figure out how to fix my abilities to focus. Amphetamines are illegal where i live so i will have to stick with methylphenidate which isn't the worst thing in the world but im pretty sure that amphetamines will be better for me as they increase the dopamine in your system instead of being a reuptake blocker like methylphenidate because im also very much depressed and i just don't think having a reuptake blocker is going to as good as amphetamines but i guess it's better than nothing (Side note: im not a doctor i could be totally wrong about this.)

Back to talking about how hard it is to read. I'm trying to finish the feynman lectures (and a few other physics related books/lecutues/courses) and read a book before going to bed and im not sure how successful im going to be at these tasks while having no medication. I have no idea what changed since i entered my teens but reading used to be so much easier when i was a kid but now it's most physically exhausting thing ever.

I do think it will be very funny if it turns out that i don't have adhd and im just retarded but im very veryyyy sure that i have adhd and i will be very surprised if my health reports say otherwise.

silly thought of the day: i need to buy stuff to decorate my room it looks really depressing.

The last entry of my blog discussed me poorly self diagnosing myself with adhd but i've come to the conclusion that in fact i don't have adhd and there's a 3rd secret thing that's in the way of me being able to focus on stuff im interested in. I'm not sure what my condition is but i think i don't have adhd because at least people with adhd have one thing they can focus on once in a while. I HAVE NOTHING (i have things im interested in but i can't get myself to sit down and focus on them) im probably very depressed im awfully prone to that. I still am going to go for a formal diagnosis for adhd but i've become very accustomed to doing nothing all day during the 5 months i was a borderline MDD mess due to things going on in my personal life and i think that's the reason why im still not able to focus on anything as im so used to being a useless pos who does nothing all day. Doing nothing all day is genuinely horrible and it makes me want to kill myself even more it's self fulfilling cycle.

I think im in a better position mentally now compared to few months ago and i hope it only gets better from here. Nothing brings me joy (except for that one thing but it's a person not a personal interest of mine and i think if another person whom i love is the only thing that can make me happy that's probably not healthy) and i think that has more to do with me being depressed rather than having adhd. I'm sure i can make a case for still having adhd as i have awful time blindness and sometimes i even forget to sleep as im too distracted/focused on random stuff to keep track of time (it's 2am rn hahahhaha). I'm also awfully late on all things i've been committed to (assignments, household chores and just stuff im supposed to do but im not interested in) and i only do them when the deadline is insanely close. I started hrt few months ago and it's been great except im too lazy to refill my pills sometimes and i miss like 3 days of taking my estrogen very often. HRT is nice and all but in the moment i don't see any immediate effect which leads me to not being motivated enough to go outside and buy the pills. It's only when i get insanely insecure (or if im having an exceptionally good day) that i finally decide that i need to buy my pills no matter what.

I'm also pretty good at remembering stuff and am able to usually remember things people have told me and get those things done (regardless of how low effort they are). But i also think this is usually only the case when i actually care about the other person enough to actually do the task (listening to music friends recommend me for example). Alot of times i just forget to reply if it's a new friend i have made that i don't care about much or if they tell me something important there's a good chance i will forget because i got caught up in something else (9/10 times i get the the task done if they just remind me again). I don't think adhd works that way ???? it's not selective you know what i mean ? Maybe im just an asshole for not caring enough to remember idk.

I started learning music seriously again and it's sooooooooooo fun. i love music theory so much it's insane how much you can do with a few chords. I learned about the pentatonic scale today and "the modes", Ionian, Dorian, Phrygian, Lyndian, Mixolydian, Aeolian, and Locarian.

It's insane how easily you can go from a bright sound to a darker one while keeping the melody exactly the same. I'm still new to music theory but stuff like this is so interesting. I have only ever played two instruments and they are the piano and the violin. I gave up on the violin years ago (it's sitting behind me rn) but im still playing the piano and i have started taking it seriously again because i reallyyyyy love the instrument and it's been a huge part of my life since childhood. I remember playing my mom's piano all the time and it was so fun learning it. Other than my mom having a piano i also picked it up because of lilypichu and bo burnham and they are still the reason why i continue to play the instrument.

The pentatonic scale is the coolest thing i've learned so far and i hope i become skilled enough to actually play the whole scale proficiently.

the C# mi penta is probably my fav of them all.

silly thought of the day : i forgot how to read sheet music again and this is how im writing my notes for now (it's last cup of coffee by lilypichu) :P